"Stay low. Stay under the radar."

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Because I can't keep spamming my deviantArt journal with these:
thumbs up, turk
empressfunk wrote in the__alliance
A Vest In Time

A Vest In Time
On a tender and crunchy morning, Rick sat in a box. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His elbow ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Eric to love someone with a tasty eye?

Dizzingly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a shining mismatched glasses, all on a summer's day. I wish my Eric would slide me, in his own glistening way..."

"Do you?" Eric sat down beside Rick and put his hand on Rick's toe. "I think that could be arranged."

Rick gasped sexily. "But what about my tasty eye?"

"I like it," Eric said manically. "I think it's golden."

They came together and their kiss was like a field of dancing wildflowers tripping on acid.

"I love you," Rick said awkwardly.

"I love you too," Eric replied and slid him.

They bought a fox, moved in together, and lived laughingly ever after.

The Miracle Of The Bird

Jordan hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like the wings of a dove descending from heaven. He loathed it.

Every December, Jordan would feel himself getting all earthy inside. He refused to put up a Christmas desk, he snapped at anyone smokey enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Jordan had to go to the mall to buy a majestic flower. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing roughly around and so much Christmas music blaring gently, he thought his vine would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a piercing man collecting for charity. Jordan never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the piercing man dropped his bells and ran in a bed. There was a beaming bird right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the piercing man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Jordan rushed out and gingerly pushed them both out of the way. There was a supple bang and then everything went dark.

When Jordan woke up, he was in a green room. There was a Christmas desk in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Jordan's hand hurt. A lot.

The piercing man came into the room. "I'm so luscious!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Jesse. You saved me from the truck. But your hand is broken."

Jordan hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas desk up and his hand was broken, he felt quite glowing, especially when he looked at Jesse.

"Your hand must hurt firmly," Jesse said. "I think this will help." And he pushed Jordan several times.

Now Jordan felt very glowing indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Jesse. "I love you," he said, and kissed Jesse loudly.

"I love you too," said Jesse. Just then, the bird ran into the room and nuzzled Jordan's wing. "I brought him home with us," Jesse said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Jordan said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.

I'm Dreaming Of A Squishy Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. Jace sat huskily on a bed, sipping sweet eggnog.

He looked at the glorious jersey hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Eric had hung it there, just before they looked at each other nauseously and then fell into each other's arms and plowed each other's butt.

If only I hadn't been so Irish, Jace thought, pouring a gassy amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Eric might not have got so tender and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a tasty tear and held his nose in his hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a fresh voice lifted roughly up in song.

I'm dreaming of a squishy Christmas

Just like a flaming bag of dog shit

Jace ran to the door. It was Eric, looking angelic all over with snow.

"I missed you teasingly," Eric said. "And I wanted to plow your butt again."

Jace hugged Eric and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Eric said.

"I think so too," Jace said and they plowed each other's butt until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted panther cheek and lived sexily until Jace got drunk again.

The Battle For The Piercing

In a shack, Michael poked his piercing. He had been busy with the piercing for hours and now wanted nothing more than a massive cuddle or a majestic massage from his lover Cody.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his fierce Cody appeared at the door, grinning normally.

"Put down the piercing," Cody said tenderly. "Unless you want me to poke that piercing on your nipple."

Michael put down the piercing. He was gyrating. He had never seen Cody so tantric before and it made him throbbing.

Cody picked up the piercing, then withdrew a collar from his butt. "Don't be so gyrating," Cody said with a tantric grimace. "A dolphin bit my neck this morning, and everything became blue. Now with this piercing and this collar I can tenderly rule the world!"

Michael clutched his wet neck shockingly. This was his lover, his fierce Cody, now staring at him with a tantric butt.

"Fight it!" Michael shouted. "The dolphin just wants the piercing for his own fierce devices! He doesn't love you, not the massive way I do!"

Michael could see Cody trembling shockingly. Michael reached out his nipple and touched Cody's butt tenderly. He was fierce, so fierce, but he knew only his wet love for Cody would break the dolphin's spell.

Sure enough, Cody dropped the piercing with a thunk. "Oh, Michael," he squealed. "I'm so massive, can you ever forgive me?"

But Michael had already moved in a shack. Like a never-ending and nauseating teacup ride, he pressed his nipple into Cody's butt. And as they fell together in a blue fit of love, the piercing lay on the floor, throbbing and forgotten.

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No Michael slash!

Michael is for the ladies!

For you, then:

A Sticky Day To Nudge

Michael stepped hotly out into the majestic sunshine, and admired Blaze's eye. "Ah," he sighed, "That's a burning sight."

Blaze climbed off the headband and walked calmly across the grass to greet her lover. Michael patted Blaze on the nostril and then tried to nudge her crazily, but without success.

"That's all right," Blaze said. "We can try again later."

"I'm just not orange," Michael. "Not as orange as the time we nudged in a chair."

Blaze nodded loudly. "We were electric back in those days."

"Our cheeks were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Michael said. "Everything seems shocking and scorching when you're young."

"Of course," Blaze said. "But now we're hot, we can still have fun. If we go about it roughly."

"Roughly?" Michael said . "But how?"

"With this," Blaze said and held out a fiery windbreaker. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be ready to nudge."

Michael swallowed the windbreaker at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to nudge roughly. They nudged like a glittering waterfall made from a stream of unicorn tears. Three times.

And then the neighbour told them to get off his lawn.

You're welcome. :3

Thank you, thank you, I try.

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